A friend of mine texted me something that I should prolly learn to understand and process. "Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait." but wouldn't it make sense that when *be hope, it's like we're also expecting something to happen? or is it that we hope but we would need to also exert effort and control ourselves in expecting all good things to happen; we can't dictate what the other party would feel in response to our show of emotions. The fact remains that they are also individuals that would, in most cases, have their own way of thinking, their own response systems and may not even have the same set of emotions that we have. It's better to hope but never expect that the receiving party would reciprocate the same feelings towards us. If you do, you might progress your feelings to some other type of infatuation that might even force him/her away from you, would you even want that? I wouldn't.
As a previous Team Lead said in one of his blogs, "Every scar heals." Why is it that we will always see the scar and the good memories we have had with that person. But the pain that comes with it doesn't necessarily go away that easily. Does it mean that moving along (moving on) means you've accepted the fact that it's really over and you can't go back to the way it was? Isn't crying a big part of the moving on process? what if you can't cry? what if.. no matter what you do, say to yourself, trying to convince your inner self that you have to move on ergo you have to cry, you couldn't shed a tear; that everytime you see that person, either by picture or in person--your heart still stops, the world you currently stand upon actually moves in slow motion and at the same time your chest gets heavier, you can't breathe and it seems like something is trying to yank your heart out of your body, but you can't really cry--your system is trying to tell you to cry but your body doesn't seem to respond. It's not that he's not worth your tears or you aren't ready to move on, the reason why you can't cry is simply because of your previous scars, scars from your past relationship. If a toddler or a baby can be taught various aspects of life using a simple method of cause and effect, the heart can also do the same thing. Our previous scars made our emotions stronger and better, our pride, thicker and harder to penetrate, so when it comes to crying it all out--our emotions and pride will only tell ourselves not to cry because "we should know better,"
So when can I say that I should stop? Am I still holding onto a wishful thinking that there might be something that can grow and in any way progress into what I could call a 'decent' relationship? I guess I'm tired of having an open relationship or as some would say.. 'casual' relationships. I'm tired of being thrown when they're done with me.. I'm tired of being played around and getting hurt. I'm tired of lying to myself, telling me that it's alright and that he might be the one. Although, it seems like, I too am at fault for letting them into my life and into my heart... knowing full well, they can never commit to me 100% ..it hurts to say this, but I should really know better. I should stop my fantasy that a prince in a white/brown horse would come and carry me, or at least extend his hand to me--offering a little bit of help without me asking for it. I'm just into the fairy tale world where there will always be a villain, a prince or a hero that would help a damsel in distress (me? hopefully) and that in our love story, there will be challenges, there will be a climax and a plot--but I don't think it will really happen in the real world. Every man who tries to be kind or even try to be sweet becomes a hero in my eyes. I'm too easy for them I guess, and it's somewhat very low or weak of me. I keep on kicking or denying reality for what it is... This is up until here only. There won't be anything else, no progress or no relationship, no him. I'd rather have that--at least I won't be lying to myself, I have to let myself grow, may it be hurtful or happily ever after, the fact should still remain--I become true to what I feel.
You see, I've lied to him, I told him I wasn't expecting anything in return because he already gave me that kind of expectation but in reality I don't think that that's what I wanted to convey--I was so scared of losing him that I decided to say what he wanted to hear--so I wouldn't give him a hassle that might give him a reason to leave me. But that was too selfish of me and stupid, yes.. because I know--deep inside me, I was lying to myself and I knew for a fact that he was looking for a reason to leave me--something that can make me slip, giving him enough reason to leave me. He doesn't care nor will he ever care--I'm a nobody to him, and I'm not a great loss to him. It even came from him, "Hindi ako kawalan" his exact words that everytime I remember--it etches itself inside me, giving me enough reason to let go.